Dear A,

Remember this story? Are you ever going to get back to writing it?

No love,

Me.



Dear Soma,

My place. You bring the chocolate sauce, and I'll provide the handcuffs and blindfold. Mmm.

Love,

Me.



Dear Llyr,

It was your birthday on the 26th and you didn't tell us? So not cool. A's throwing you a party, pronto.

Still pissed,

Me.

Mmm, Soma, I had the most interesting dream yesterday. You, me, chocolate sauce and blindfolds. Want me to show you?

A, what the hell? Why am I so goddamn emo all the time in your story? Why the hell am I such a whiny bitch?

And also, what the fuck is that about making my "love" for Bael canon?! Since when was that part of the plan? Do you even know what you're planning on doing for your story or are you just winging it, cause the latter definitely seems to be the answer, here. GAH.

I'm back? I know a couple of you (read: Llyr and Soma) want to talk to me about... stuff, but could we just... I don't know, not? For a while? I just... I just want things to be normal, alright? I know that there are certain things we have to talk about. Llyr, I know we need to talk about, well, you and me and I know that conversation can't be put off but about the stuff that you guys found out... I don't want to talk about that right now. I don't know if I can.

I've been staying in Sama's palace. It's been awhile since I've done that, but... it's sort of like home. Different, obviously, but I guess it's home for the part of me that I could never really be with my family. I stayed there for awhile, and I know Sama's pissed off at me for taking up space and being an idiot, but hey. He asked for it. He did say "stay as long as you like". I don't think he realized how long I'd take, though. Sorry about that.

In a way, this hiding out thing has been good. I mean, my relationship with Sama was always so... hazy before. It was just there, and we didn't talk about it. It was just something we accepted of each other, but I'd like to think that now at least we know where we stand with each other. I don't want to seem presumptuous and arrogant, but I'd like to think that we're equally as important to each other and that this isn't just some one-sided dependancy on my part. In some ways, Sama is more important to me than anyone, even Soma. Different, obviously. I love Soma, and that fact will never change even if, one day, we'd break up. But there's a limit to what Soma is to me: a lover, a friend, my other half. Sama is my father, my brother, my lover, my benefactor, my friend, my shield, my guardian, my discipliner, the one who listens to my sins and absolves them, my retribution, my benediction, my guard. Yes, there is a dependancy there, but I'd like to think that he needs me as much as I need him. I might not know nor understand fully what I offer him, and I have a feeling I'll never know, but it's fact nonetheless, at least from what I've gathered. This past... however long, he's helped me, healed me somewhat and I'm thankful of that. Thankful because if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be trying to face what I've run away from. He cleanses me so that I can stand before my friends, my family, my lover. He cleanses me so that I can smile and laugh again when for that time I thought that all I could feel was fear and guilt.

I don't understand what draws me to Soma. Maybe I'll never know, but I know that it's true. I know what I feel when I think of him, when I remember all of the things we've done together, talked of together, laughed about together. I know that he makes me smile, he makes me laugh, he makes me yearn like no other before. I know that I go to sleep with him as the last thought in my mind, and the first when I wake. I know that the memory of his touch, of his kiss makes me yearn so much that it feels like a living ache inside of me. I know that his taste has forever been branded to me, that it feels like he has been seeped into my very pores.

It's a frightening thing, my love for him. Yes, frightening still. I become so incredibly self-conscious and unsure, so incredibly weak, yet at the same time it strengthens me. He makes me smile, and think that what happened to me so long ago, what had scarred me so deeply, so permanently means not as much as what I do, what I feel now. He makes me step forward into a world of light, and I am comforted by Sama's presence at my back that keeps the dark at bay. I dream of his smile, of the tenderness in his eyes, in his touch. It is my safety net, a blanket that keeps me warm on nights that are cold not because of the temperature but the fears that chill the marrow of my bones, my soul.

I dreamt of him last night. Standing on a cliff with the sea beating ruthlessly against rock, spraying white foam into the air, the sun harsh and bright overhead. I dreamt of him with his hair blowing in the wind and then he turned, and his smile was just for me, only meant for me, and such love in his eyes that it took my breath away. He held out his hand and called just my name and waited, so patiently for me to take it, to come to him. Maybe that's why I'm here now, why I have given up hiding. Because he called to me, and in my dream and now I'm reaching for his hand, letting him pull me back into the world. The world of sun and light and brightness that had never been mine, especially after my sixteenth year and he gave it to me, a gift wrapped up in his smile and his love. I long for the sun, now, and the scent of the sea and more, I long for his kiss of welcome, his smile as I grasp his hand. I long for him.


Cao, Lor says he loves you and misses you, and a lot of other things A has forbidden me to talk about because she says it's inappropriate. And she says she doesn't care if you're curious and you don't mind knowing, it's not going to be said unless all of our journals are rated 18 and it's kept under friends lock. Oh, and in his own damn journal.

Dear LJ,

My boyfriend is ignoring me. Woe.

No Love,

Cael =(

Holly has, somehow, managed to con A into making him an LJ - and we can't have favouritism now, can we? - the results of which has her somehow seeing fit to give a select few of us our own LJs as well.

Mistake number one.

Mistake number two was somehow mentioning this to ivorytowers and lo and behold, the number of us getting LJ accounts increased exponentially, including V's kids. Mistake number 3 was mentioning it to pandarosi, and now having her characters join el-jay land as well. As Holly said, we're one step closer to taking over the world. (<- cue manic laughter)


</ rambling>

Am feeling a bit tired today. No doubt it's borrowed over from A (gee, thanks, really). Need a nap, but more than that need some food. Will scavenge. Mouth is watering. Must be more hungry than I thought. Oh well. Have pretty, shiny new LJ account to make me feel better.

... Might bother Fionn as well at some point. Haven't heard from the bastard for awhile. Wonder where he and Von have gone to...?